Originally published in Igxante: An Anthology, released November 2018.
Marches in like he owns the place, kicks off his shoes
and starts barking orders at words until they’re sick of him.
Every night you come back just as ruthless as ever
to remind me why my scar will never disappear.
It’s freezing outside and my shoes aren’t suitable for the weather
and I can’t find any in my size but I have to go to Buffalo.
It honestly feels like everything is pointless so I’ll grab the lighter
and try to take control, only giving myself more to take control over.
I tried numbing myself the way I always used to and ended up in the hospital;
apparently that solution only works five hundred thousand times and I’m back to square one.
Every time I meet a closeted trans woman who says I’ve inspired her to come out,
I have to talk her through a crisis and I wonder if I’m responsible.
Blowing up the boulder seems impossible, so I just stay in front of it;
maybe if I purify my wavy thoughts enough I’ll be able to pull myself over.